Since that night in the hotel room, when my years of darkness were instantly transformed, I was hooked. I had seen the light and I thought that I would never see the shadow again. Over the next few years, I attended countless seminars and transformational retreats, read hundreds of books on spirituality and developed numerous mental, emotional and spiritual practices to keep me positive. I learned to see the silver lining in everything. I avoided anything that I did not perceive as being “enlightened.” I watched my thoughts, paid attention to my words, only showed others those actions that were “pure.” I eliminated anyone that I perceived as “toxic” from my life and only embraced those that I viewed as “awake.” I had become a “Spiritual Snob.” I thought I had it all figured out.
But then, like the clouds rolling in through the hills, I grew restless. My meditations no longer brought me the peace they had before. My pure foods no longer made me feel alive, my positive thinking somehow no longer felt authentic and before I knew it, I was depressed again.
I felt like a drug addict, searching for that initial high that I had experienced so long ago. The harder I searched, the more frustrated I became. “How could this be? I have seen the light. I know what I need to do to stay positive. If I can just be in the moment and focus on love,” I thought to myself. It was really interesting because I could still speak about my awakening, spirituality, love, consciousness and overcoming depression, but my own inner peace had eroded.
Then a couple of years ago, I traveled through Bali with a Shaman who introduced me to “shadow work.” I had never seen the value in going back to my past. I figured, like many “light chasers,” that my work was done. “My past was simply the wake that I had left behind,” I thought. “It was all perfect; the upsets, disappointments, hurts, and darkness… all so I could acquire the gifts to fulfill my destiny.” There was no reason to hold any grievances toward anyone or anything because it was all perfect. That was my thinking and I still believe that to be true, but hidden deep in the corners of my consciousness, were those parts of myself that I have always denied. The parts of me that I believed were bad or wrong; the parts that told me that I was not OK, not lovable, not worthy and not deserving. These were my emotional toxins. This was my darkness!
It wasn’t till reading Debbie Ford’s brilliant book, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” that it clicked for me. She included a quote from the person who coined the poetic term “shadow,” Carl Jung. He said, “I’d rather be whole than good.” I was lying on the beach when I read this. It struck me like a bolt of lightning. WOW, I had been trying so hard to be “good” all these years that I had stuffed away and denied all those parts of myself that I deemed as bad or unenlightened. I suddenly realized that enlightenment is not being good all the time, but being truly authentic, knowing and embracing all aspects of ourselves.
I did not have to forgive others, as I did not see myself as a victim of my past. But, it was I that needed forgiveness. I sat quietly, envisioned my body as a clear crystal and everything that I did not accept about myself as a dark box, shoved in a corner. Boxes of dark, shameful toxins filled my being. “How can my light shine if I am filled with these dark boxes” I thought. If I wanted to become lighter and brighter, I would have to open those boxes and shine a light on them. Bring them out in the open. As we bring light to any dark space, the darkness immediately disappears.
Needless to say, the book has been a powerful piece on my continuous search for truth and light. I highly recommend it. In my coming blogs, I plan to write more about the cleansing and releasing of emotional toxins, but for now let me leave you with something that has become quite apparent to me… The road to God is not linear by any means; it is circular, just like everything else the universe. Around and around we go…
May you all be blessed on your journey.
Namaste
“Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow. The caterpillar will become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly. You will no longer have to pretend you are someone that you are not. It is then that you will have the freedom to create the life you have always desired.” –Debbie Ford
I love the concept of shadow work. A darkness that follows us that we cannot shake. It is behind but can be in front of us if we walk away from the sun. Great theme for a book. The spiritual path is never linear. More like at jigsaw puzzle where there are always pieces that do not fit and in other areas incredible harmony. It is the missing pieces that stir the shadows and what we thought we have overcome, is before us controlling our life. Fasting opens the soul to healing. I hope we can create an effective simple program based on “Shadow Work.” You can never change the past but if you walk toward the good, light, love, Christ and all that is positive, the shadow of the past will always be behind you.
A friend of mine who works with the Akashic Records broke down one day and asked the masters why she has worked so hard and still has more to deal with. They asked her ‘Are you ready to come home?’
The trick I am still learning is that I don’t need to suffer through it all. I focused completely on the issues trying to get to some imaginary finish line without the understanding that I must bring in love at the same time. I kept ‘healing’ from a place of pain (my lower self), rather than love/wholeness (my higher self). I wouldn’t see that I am whole, whereas once you had your awakening, you wouldn’t see that there is a lower self.
I am learning to sit in my wholeness at the same time old stuff is arising for completion. And there are levels. Whatever comes to completion comes to completion. So, when we think ‘Oh God, there’s more’ or ‘it’s back again’, it is simply a deeper level to balance. (If we are conscious)
The terminology of darkness is interesting to me. I have been moving toward the viewpoint of balancing energy (karma and present life experiences). I know there must be dark for there to be light, but I really feel the desire for myself to look at it more in neutral terms. I went through some real ‘dark night of the soul’ stuff this summer. Being in the ‘dark’ is very real, therefore a great metaphor for ignorance (or the unawakened parts). And it does cast ‘shadows’ upon our ability to see clearly. I have not read the book, but my gut wanted to reframe the terminology, which implies that we are somehow dark. There is dark energy, but only a fraction of the energy we are balancing has darkness attached to it. We are light. We can never be dark, unless we choose to go join it.
Having said all that, more power to you embracing your dark side Patrick!
Thanks for your wisdom Tom. Implementing shadow work into our program here will be crucial in addressing the root cause of much of what we are seeing with the patients.
Cherie,
Maybe a better title would have been “Embracing your darkness or shadow” because I agree with you that we can never be dark unless we choose to join it. Dark energies and darkness to me are two different aspects. Darkness or the shadow is just those parts of ourselves that we have not embraced. The parts that we have put away, shoved deep into our subconscious, in dark rooms. They are not inherintly dark, we make them dark by judging them as bad or wrong and not acknowledging them.
Thanks for your comment.
I read the book 12 years ago, got certified through Debbie Ford’s coaching program, and all of it has been valuable knowledge. There is balance in everything. There is some of what is wanted and some of what is not wanted in anything that you put your attention to, but what you resist (the shadow) can be “running” you, your whole life. So, are you “running away” from this perceived “shadow” (or thing you don’t want), or “moving toward” who you really are?
Great question. Thanks for your comment.
Patrick. I appreciate this post so much. Some of us, like me, run from the things we don’t like about ourselves and in my case I denied they were there. I wore many masks because I was afraid to show who I was, to be vulnerable and known, and to admit that I wasn’t this perfect, enlightened being. I became heavy and difficult to be around, even for myself. I got sick of me!! Anyway, the work now is to acknowledge what’s there, as-is it if you will, and then allow God to heal through His/Her merciful energy. For me, with every “character defect” that I become aware of, I feel it easier to live and be available to others.
Jaime
Everything that you are saying I know it is true because I am it (resistance, judgment, having to, guilt, denial, pleaser, low self-esteem, victim, hiding, masquerading, escaping, outraging, etc.etc.) It is like if I have been pregnant forever and finally I gave birth in Bali. I feel that it has been harder on me because I have opened my eyes and it has brought more tears to my feelings.
When your heart or your ignorance is like a wall, you have a shield, but when it comes down, you are vulnerable. The awakening brings a lot of suffering. It is when I started asking myself more and more about my own self.
I am still in that fight God/Devil, Good/Bad -if we can put some names to a state of being- and I feel like if I am in deep waters and I don’t want to come out to the surface. Is the surface full of joy or is the depth or darkness full of joy….. I remember that in Bali I draw in the picture that we had to do of “how we were seeing ourselves” I draw an onion peel. I am afraid to find out “what” “is” “power” after peeling the last onion peel.
Is this life for real or are we just living in a fantasy world?
Can people be truly honest or are they always with an agenda when they get closer to you? I do get a lot of disappointments from people because I am either too stupid, take things to heart, too personal, I believe in the magic dragon.
Thank you for telling me that it is “ok” to be not to “have to”. I do feel guilty when I don’t work one day (out in the field) and I stay home watching tv or just being. I feel that I am supposed to be doing something, saving the world, praying, constructing, creating….
Sorry for outpouring my deepest thoughts, but you are making this possible. I don’t usually talk about me with anybody else but with bolu. As you can read, I am a basket full of………
You are great!
Juanita