Since that night in the hotel room, when my years of darkness were instantly transformed, I was hooked. I had seen the light and I thought that I would never see the shadow again. Over the next few years, I attended countless seminars and transformational retreats, read hundreds of books on spirituality and developed numerous mental, emotional and spiritual practices to keep me positive. I learned to see the silver lining in everything. I avoided anything that I did not perceive as being “enlightened.” I watched my thoughts, paid attention to my words, only showed others those actions that were “pure.” I eliminated anyone that I perceived as “toxic” from my life and only embraced those that I viewed as “awake.” I had become a “Spiritual Snob.” I thought I had it all figured out.
But then, like the clouds rolling in through the hills, I grew restless. My meditations no longer brought me the peace they had before. My pure foods no longer made me feel alive, my positive thinking somehow no longer felt authentic and before I knew it, I was depressed again.
I felt like a drug addict, searching for that initial high that I had experienced so long ago. The harder I searched, the more frustrated I became. “How could this be? I have seen the light. I know what I need to do to stay positive. If I can just be in the moment and focus on love,” I thought to myself. It was really interesting because I could still speak about my awakening, spirituality, love, consciousness and overcoming depression, but my own inner peace had eroded.
Then a couple of years ago, I traveled through Bali with a Shaman who introduced me to “shadow work.” I had never seen the value in going back to my past. I figured, like many “light chasers,” that my work was done. “My past was simply the wake that I had left behind,” I thought. “It was all perfect; the upsets, disappointments, hurts, and darkness… all so I could acquire the gifts to fulfill my destiny.” There was no reason to hold any grievances toward anyone or anything because it was all perfect. That was my thinking and I still believe that to be true, but hidden deep in the corners of my consciousness, were those parts of myself that I have always denied. The parts of me that I believed were bad or wrong; the parts that told me that I was not OK, not lovable, not worthy and not deserving. These were my emotional toxins. This was my darkness!
It wasn’t till reading Debbie Ford’s brilliant book, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” that it clicked for me. She included a quote from the person who coined the poetic term “shadow,” Carl Jung. He said, “I’d rather be whole than good.” I was lying on the beach when I read this. It struck me like a bolt of lightning. WOW, I had been trying so hard to be “good” all these years that I had stuffed away and denied all those parts of myself that I deemed as bad or unenlightened. I suddenly realized that enlightenment is not being good all the time, but being truly authentic, knowing and embracing all aspects of ourselves.
I did not have to forgive others, as I did not see myself as a victim of my past. But, it was I that needed forgiveness. I sat quietly, envisioned my body as a clear crystal and everything that I did not accept about myself as a dark box, shoved in a corner. Boxes of dark, shameful toxins filled my being. “How can my light shine if I am filled with these dark boxes” I thought. If I wanted to become lighter and brighter, I would have to open those boxes and shine a light on them. Bring them out in the open. As we bring light to any dark space, the darkness immediately disappears.
Needless to say, the book has been a powerful piece on my continuous search for truth and light. I highly recommend it. In my coming blogs, I plan to write more about the cleansing and releasing of emotional toxins, but for now let me leave you with something that has become quite apparent to me… The road to God is not linear by any means; it is circular, just like everything else the universe. Around and around we go…
May you all be blessed on your journey.
Namaste
“Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow. The caterpillar will become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly. You will no longer have to pretend you are someone that you are not. It is then that you will have the freedom to create the life you have always desired.” –Debbie Ford